Monday, December 18, 2000

School Marks & Aggrevation!

I decided to try and call the grade line once again. The marks were supposed to be posted on the grade line on Friday. Anyhow, I got through and my marks were posted. I got my autobiography mark! I got a 70% in that class. I have no idea how I got so high in that class! I was expecting, no joke, a 65% in that class! So all my marks this semester are above 70%. I am still awaiting for my french mark. That I know will be above a 75% for sure. I am expecting between an 80-85% in that class this semester. I am so proud of myself. If I do put my mind towards something, I can accomplish and do well! 2 more things regarding my marks... 1) My art literature mark is posted at 82% on the grade line when I saw the list posted on my teacher's cork board, and she had given me an 83%. I just left her a message. I wasn't sure what to do. Because I don't know if a) she decided to change her mind before handing in the marks, or b) made a mistake on the paper outside her office or c) made a mistake entering in the marks. Now, I don't care for 1%, it won't budge my average up that much, but, if it is the teacher's mistake, then I believe that it deserves to be adjusted. Don't you? What do you think?

And the second thing.... 2) My Creative Writing mark is not posted, when I know that the teacher gave me an 84% and the marks should have been handed in on Friday. Argh! I hope nothing is wrong. I worry all the time. And I hope that I am able to get the classes I want next semester. I won't know until I register next Thursday. I can't wait. I don't want time to fly, but I do. I am enjoying this relaxing state, but I also want to celebrate New Years with E and get my first New Years kiss from my boyfriend! And I want to celebrate things like the holidays and so forth, but I do not want to go back to school... Anyhow, I am in a good mood! Later

Good Laugh

Just got a good laugh! My brother bought my sister some goldfish for her birthday. I told my sister's boyfriend to go get her some tropical fish for her birthday. He already got her these really nice earrings, but doesn't want to show up tomorrow night empty handed you know... My dad was going to go tomorrow to get her a fish for her birthday. You see, her fish passed away not to long ago. I can't remember the exact date or what not, but it passed away and we think we know why... She had her goldfish that she won at a bar mitzvah. My dad gave it a week to live, my mom said a month and my brother gave it a day. I said a year... She got the fish in April of 1999 and it out lived all of those bets... It died if I am not mistaken in November of 2000. I don't think it was any earlier than that. Anyhow, the week her fish, Joshephine (Joey for short, yes she named it after Joey on Dawson's Creek!) died, my sister had moved it's tank next to her computer screen. We honestly believe that her fish died of radiation. What do you think? Anyhow, we just got a great laugh, because everyone was thinking of replacing my sister's fish.. Now I don't know what to get my brother and my sister and my parents and E and his parents and his sister and her husband, and my best friend, all for the holidays. It is soooo hard! Why is it so hard?

Wind Watch, What's That?

My mom won't let me take the car and it's sitting in the driveway. My brother needs it from 3:30 for an hour and a half about, and that's cool. But apparently I am not allowed to take it anywhere after that. It's my winter break and she's telling me that I can't go anywhere. That's outrageous. I swear. If I am in this house one too many hours longer, I am going to go nuts. I haven't left the house since yesterday when I got home from work, except for like 10 minutes last night when I tried to escape but was called back home. This is really outrageous. I can't wait to go to work and do all those other things this week. I wish now that I lived on my own and that I had my own car. If I had my own car that would be another story. This all wouldn't be happening. And what the heck is a wind watch? My mum is telling me that one of the reasons I am not allowed going anywhere is because of some wind watch reason. Or something. She's like, pretend there's a snowstorm out there and you aren't going anywhere... What the heck is supposed to mean. There is no snow storm out there, the roads are fine. I drove during the ice storm 98, and that was 100 times worse than a wind storm....

I slept in a little today, but that's ok, because I couldn't sleep last night and was online pretty late, teaching myself how to knit. It doesn't seem to want to work, so I gave that up. Maybe I have the wrong kind of needles. Maybe I am doing something wrong. Who knows. Maybe I have the wrong kind of yarn. Don't know... E's mother is good with that stuff, so E said maybe she'd show me. All I want to know, is how to make a scarf. I need to do something during my winter break. I am so damn ass bored. Need to give myself something artistic to do... So I figured I'd learn how to knit!

I made my appointment for my allergy test. January 16th at
10 am.

I really hate this weather. It's all the weather's fault that I am sitting her bored out of my mind. GRR... What to do. I have nothing to do. So bored, out of my mind. Need a project. I am not even that into my book, so it's not as if I can't put it down. I haven't been able to get into a good book lately. Don't know why. Haven't found one that I really liked. Maybe I will stumble upon one like that soon. We'll see. I think I am going to go put in the movie the Patriot which I taped a few days ago. And maybe try that knitting thing again.

Sunday, December 17, 2000

A Fight Over Chicken!

A fight with my parents. And it's all because I am a vegetarian and don't eat chicken. They know I am a vegetarian. I've been a vegetarian for well over a year now. And you know what I completely hate ... the fact that they always forget that I don't eat meat anymore and they usually consult when they are getting dinner from a restaurant or even when they pick up chicken at the market place, they will always ask me what I want to eat, because there is other stuff for me to get at restaurants, bakeries, and at the market place. Anyhow, so my dad calls me up at work and tells me that he is wondering what time I am coming home from work, if I was almost done, because he wanted to know an estimated time, so that he could go pick up the chicken that is for dinner. I said, chicken? Since when are we eating chicken, no one consulted me... and he got mad at me, and hung up the phone on me! When I got home, I went to my room and changed. Wanted to get out of my work clothes. And then I came out of my room and said hello to my grandparents who were all over. (Both sides of my family) Because I didn't say hello as the first thing, and I went to get changed first, that was the first thing I got yelled at for... I went back to my room and started doing things around my room. I heard my parents call my brother and my sister down for dinner, each by their name... Never heard my name... So I stayed in my room. I feel asleep actually for a bit. Had a bit of a headache. And because of that I got a worse migraine from my mother and father yelling at me afterwards. See, I tried to walk out of the house to go drive thru somewhere to get some dinner. But I didn't get to far and I was told to get back into the house. Then I tried later on, and my dad said it was Ok, but my mother on the otherhand was like, NO, there's food in the house. No there wasn't!! If there was, I would have been eating it!!! So I didn't eat dinner, and now I am bored out of my mind... and angry at my mother and was thinking way out of proportion earlier because of this and E was trying to help me, but that didn't help really. I know he is trying to help.

Israel's Free Trip?

To go or not to go... I still have that email sitting in my inbox. Do I answer back to them and tell them I want to go, or do I not want to go. To answer back, or not to answer back... that is the question... *Bombs, death, guns... *Beautiful city, free trip, visiting my friend Iris, visiting family, traveling, that's what I want to do... Argh! I don't know what to do?

Saturday, December 16, 2000

What Women Want?

Slept in and caught up on some sleep. Felt good. Went to see E play hockey this afternoon. He played 2 games in a row. Oooh, smelly! Really! The first game he subbed for a friend who couldn't make the game and then his team was on. I love watching their games, when E behaves that is. Sometimes their games are far more interesting than going to a game at the Molsen Center or watching the NHL... After hockey, and after he showered (of course) E and I went to the mall for dinner and a movie. We went to this restaurant called Sternz and this guy who dropped autobiography (the class I struggled with) happened to be a bus boy there. That was funny bumping into him. Not really. Anyhow, E went to get tickets at the theater next door in the mall and when he was there he bumped into my grandmother who had just seen that movie, so she came into the restaurant for 5 minutes to say hello. I love bumping into her. It's my mom's mom. She's my favorite grandparent... E and I saw the movie What Women Want. Cute movie that was! I love Mel Gibson. What do women want? Honestly? We are so complicated!! After the movie we bumped into my grandmother's sister, who was going to see that movie as well! I like bumping into people I know! We picked up a 6 pack of Corona's (pretty much the only beer I like) and we headed over to a friend's house. I had 2 of the 6 beers, E drank the other 4. We had some shots of vodka and we were all having a good time. I wore a pair of red hot pants that I borrowed, but I was a little uncomfortable in them. I have to not eat for like 3 days before if I want to be able to sit down in those pants. Because they go so low down in the back and then my underwear shows, and bleh... But I had a good time, and then since E had more to drink than I did, I drove his car back to his place and I don't even know how I made it, since I was a little tipsy myself. I had fun, it was fun! Now I am going to bed. I have work tomorrow!

Friday, December 15, 2000

Wine & Dined

What a good day! I got 12 hours of sleep last night, and I am just all around in a good mood! E came over this evening and when he showed up he had a dozen roses. They are the nicest roses I've ever seen. They are peach colored. I asked him what Peach was supposed to symbolize, and he was like, each color has a symbolism and means something else? He's like, what does red mean? I knew that one, so I said, LOVE! And he was like, so these ones mean love too! He was so cute about it! So here is a chart, that I found, that tells you what the colors mean!

Color / Sentiment
Red .... Love, respect
Deep pink .... Gratitude, appreciation
Light pink .... Admiration, sympathy
White .... Reverence, humility
Yellow .... Joy, gladness
Orange .... Enthusiasm, desire
Red & yellow blend .... Gaiety, joviality
Pale blended tones .... Sociability, friendship

Along with the dozen roses there was a card, and a teddy bear (the cutest thing!) and a thing of Hershey Kisses. I swear, I am in heaven! That was the most romantic thing he has done for me in a while. I was impressed and it was totally out of the blue! The card said that he wanted to show that he cared about my semester in school and he was congratulating me on my successful semester. And for just like that! To wine & dine me. And that is totally ok with me! He swept me right off my feet! Like a true gentleman. We went to my favorite restaurant to celebrate and the meal was great and the dessert was even better. I love the sherbet things there. To die for! It's sherbet ice cream in any flavor they have on the menu that evening, and let's say you pick pineapple, which is the one I had (E had lemon, I hate lemons!) and so they scoop out the middle of the fruit itself, a mini pineapple is what i had, and the freeze the food. Then they scoop out that flavor ice cream (sherbet) and put it inside the correct frozen food. Then they stick the lid on, if there was, like on my pineapple, and they serve it to you. It's the cutest little thing. I've probably lost you! It's hard to explain. But it's the best dessert ever! After dinner, we headed over to the pool hall to play some pool. Tonight was a 10$ charge to get in, because there was some boxing game that was happening and we either could get a free drink or an hour free pool. So we each took a coupon for an hour free pool, and we used our hour then and I have one coupon in my wallet for next time. E kicked my ass in each three games we played. Then I just got bored of playing and so E wanted to stay and watch the end of the fight, so he ordered me another drink (another sex on the beach, i love those drinks) and I had one of those. Was it a good evening? Oh, yeah, it was a very good evening! I had fun. I like having fun. I wish everyday were like this...

Feeling Great

I just got over 12 hours of sleep again, 2nd night in a row, and I am feeling great! Also, on top of it, I just had a long chat with my mum and we haven't done that in a while, so that was good. Especially since I have been mad at her for a little bit, but now I think we're cool. For now, a little while, at least. I raided my sister's closet yesterday and tried on a couple of her pairs of pants. Pants that I never thought I'd ever fit in.. One of them are even too big! I guess I've lost some weight or something, which is totally ok with me, I am totally fine with that!! Hee hee! Giggle... So I was strutting around the house last night, in my sister's fake leather pants (they are plastic or something, plus, if they were real I wouldn't wear them, because I am a vegetarian and stand by my morals and values.) Anyhow, my sister is very tall and slim and I've always envied her for her gorgeous body. Grrr! Not fair, but now I fit into her pants, and that makes me feel better about myself! So yey!

Anyhow, I've got to go clean up my room and get some food into my tummy. E's coming over after he gets off work at 4pm (in 30 minutes) but with traffic (damn this city and their construction) he'll be here by 4:30-4:45 pm latest. So I've got plenty of time still. We've got reservations (YEY!) at my fave restaurant in my area, and we're going there at 7:30pm. I have no idea what we're doing after that. Something fun, I hope! We're going out to celebrate my successful semester at school! I love being rewarded. And I am wearing one of my sister's pants that she gave me (the ones I wore last night to work and out to V&B were red and plastic (I don't know if they were supposed to imitate leather or not) and they were hot pants. But those are my sister's and I just borrowed them! The ones that I am wearing tonight, are black dressy pants, but they make me look thinner than I am, and I like them, so they are hot pants too! They are too big on my sister so those she gave to me!! :)

Speaking of success in school, here's an update. (I've learned another mark!) So that bring me up to...

Dance ... 87% (that's my new mark that I got today!)
Creative Writing ... 84%
Art Lit ... 83%
Painting ... 82%
French and Autobiography are both still undecided! :( I am happy so far with the marks I've received. It's been successful so far! All above 80's!

More to come later, for sure.

Thursday, December 14, 2000

Oops... Fell Asleep!

When I crawled back into my cozy bed, I fell back asleep. That's ok. I know I got a few phone calls, but I don't remember what they were all about.

I don't even want to go home tonight after work anymore. My mother is not being nice and causing this huge argument. That's ok, because she thinks she can talk to me like I am 4 yrs old, and I am not taking that bullshit. No way... I am of legal age, and have been for over a year and a half, and I hate this car curfew and telling me what to do business. Yes, ok, I know, I live under their roof, but still, I am of legal age, and I shouldn't have to deal with this. They just don't want to let go, and I hate that! Argh! I think maybe instead of going out drinking tonight, maybe I will come home and watch the movie The Patriot which I taped downstairs.

Speaking of which let me go get the tape before anyone touches the VCR.

... Ok, got it!

I am so aggravated right now. My mom put me in a very bad mood. But I love my parents with all my heart, so I don't know how that all applies. Argh! Frustration. When I go and get my allergy test, and it shows that I am allergic to dogs, let's say. There is no way in hell my mom is going to give up our dog. Our dog is her pride and joy. Her life. So does that mean I get to move out? But, I can't afford it on my own... so does that mean that I get a place paid for by my parents? Aww, that would totally rock! I could move into E's place, but I don't think a) he'd want me there at his parent's house, b) I don't think I'd want to move in there. It's ok to stay there once in a while, but for good? You've got to be kidding me! c) Maybe if I get a place of my own, E will spend some nights at my new place. I'd have to get a new bed. A nice huge bed. I'd love that. But I am dreaming in colour, so I know this is all not going to happen. I guess it's nice to dream sometimes~ But if I were to move out, I'd so be ready. Plus I'd love to live in town, where it's closer to school. See, now, I'd probably want to live alone. Cuz the only person that I'd want to live with, would be E, and I don't think his parents believe in pre-marital living together. Well, actually I know that his parents don't believe in pre-marital living arrangements. Not even if we were engaged. I think it has to be wedding night, type thing. That's what happened with his sister and her husband. They official moved in the night of their wedding. They slept in their new place that night, and their honeymoon wasn't til the following week I believe.

When I get married, I either want to leave right away for my honeymoon or be isolated from the world with my new husband for a day or two. I don't know why, it's just like that. I dream too much, I swear!

Anyhow, back to the real world. My mom is causing trouble with the date that we are going out as a family (with grandparents and all) for my sister and mother's birthdays. At first she wanted to go out the 23rd. And I was upset a tad, cuz that was my Saturday night. But then I kind of agreed to that, and she said well maybe on christmas day. I blew up at her, because Christmas Day I am going skiing. E may not have as many days as he thought off from work, and that's one day he for sure has. He promised me we'd go skiing once this winter, and that may be our only chance. Plus the fact that I am sleeping in town for 3-4 days that week, as E's parents will be out of town, and it's stupid for me to run back and forth. So I suggested maybe the 20th the Wednesday night, and she has to consult with my father. I hope it's that night. I'd rather go out mid-week to not ruin my plans for skiing. I haven't skied in a couple of years and I finally have someone who will take me, and I may have to cancel because my mom is being stubborn. There are so many other good days to go, and it's ridiculous already.

Argh... I am so irritated over the situation.... Emotionally yesterday was a good day. Today, is a very very bad depressed day. I am so aggravated with life, with things, and it's starting to piss me off. Argh! I feel bad about myself on days like today, and I just wish my life were different. I don't know. Today is just a bad bad day. I am going to go shower to let myself cool down.

Too Early For Me

I didn't get enough sleep last night, and already both my parents have called my line, waking me up to tell me..

Mom: "Wake up, when you hear the doorbell ring, please let Anna (our housekeeper) in. I am at the doctor's office, I wanted to get there early, it's nasty out there."

And my dad... who called from work, and still can't figure out why, because both my parents didn't need to call, but here's the jift of it anyways...

Dad: "Anna's coming soon, please let her in when she gets there, as your mother is out."

So I was like, yea, dad, I know that, mom just called...

I guess he was bored at work or something. Or just wanted to bug the shit out of me. Who knows. But what's annoying to me, is that the doorbell just could have woken me up, but no, they had to call me at 8:57 am and wake me, and Anna's not even here yet... and it's 9:36 am.

I could have and 39 + more minutes of sleep! Argh! That's almost an hour's more worth of sleep. That would have done me some good. But that's ok, I set a tape in the VCR in our den, to tape the movie The Patriot. That's the one with Heath Ledger (MMMmmm! Love him, love his accent) and Mel Gibson (Love him, love his eyes). I hate watching a movie straight off the TV, cuz you can't pause or go to the bathroom without missing something. So, that's why, I tape things, including TV shows, and watch them when I can fast forward commercials and pause for pee breaks! Ha! Got them there! They thought they'd be educating me with their products by their fancy commercials... Well, my friend, they are wrong. I don't watch their freakin' commercials!

I started another load of laundry. I feel like all I ever do is laundry. I have one more medium load to do after the one that is in. I am going to work probably anytime around 2-3pm today. I don't start technically until 5pm but I want to go in early and make a few extra bucks. Money is good! Especially since I didn't work last Thursday because I took off because of school papers that I had to write and hand in the next day.

Well at least so far I know that I passed 2 of the 3 things that I was working on. I still can't believe that my teacher never posted out my papers for me to retrieve them and she hasn't called, and I'd love for my marks. That would be sweet. But no, she's being a biatch.. argh! Whatever, I am never taking her as a teacher ever again! I am still in war with my timetable book. SO many classes that I want to take, but don't know when, or how or what... The few classes that I do want to take, conflict in times with one another. I hate that. It's so annoying. But that's ok. I will work around it. Chances are anyhow, it will come to registration time and the classes that I want to take will be full, so what use will that be. And I have to speak to my doctor to get me a not about Phys. Ed. Because I can't take anything to physical. I wouldn't be able to handle it. My asthma kills me sometimes. And the doctor's out there seem to be taking their sweet time to do anything about better treatment for me. Argh! I guess I just will have to bitch my way through to get what I need and deserve! If that's the way they want to play it...

Well I am going to crawl back into bed for a bit. Just one look outside will drive anyone back to bed! We must have gotten about 8-10 cm of snow over night. They were calling for 10 cm anyhow. I don't know how anyone in their right mind would want to leave their house on a day like today. Oh well... It's mad driving out there.

I Hate School Decisions & Martha Stewart

I can't sleep and the only thing that is on, is Martha Fucking Stewart. She pisses me off. She's all like, making this cake is so easy, as one two three, and yet it takes her the entire episode to figure out that it's already made by someone else. Seriously! Since I couldn't sleep, first I poured myself a bowl of Corn Pops. It wasn't so bad. I think they are a little old. I wonder how long the box was sitting in the pantry for. I am going to ask my mom to get Apple & Cinnamon Cheerios the next time she goes to the grocery store. I love that cereal. It's great!

And now I am sitting here drinking 7up Light and was going thru my table time for next semester. There are only a select few classes I want to take, and some of them conflict. But yet, I really want to take those classes, but can't. Argh. I wish they didn't conflict with the other ones I want to take. Why is deciding about school so freckin' difficult. That's going to keep me up all night. I just want to fall asleep, but can't.

I don't know how E is always falling asleep. I wish I knew!! I want the secret... So I am debating between Newspaper Writing and Children's Lit and Education In Transition and Drawing and Creative Expression and Collage. Because one of them won't fit the schedule with the other classes. So one of these I must delete. I will probably take out Newspaper Writing and do that in my last semester. There is no way I want extra stress next semester. I don't need that! And with Education in Transition (the only Humanities Class I want to take that is offered this semester) it conflicts with Drawing and Creative Expression but I really want to take a class with that teacher. I had her this semester for painting. She's the teacher I went to her house for her little party the other day, remember? (see one of Monday's Entries). She's an awesome teacher.

Ok, I am going to go sleep on it. It's 2:33 am and I should get some kind of sleep!

Wednesday, December 13, 2000

Childrens Lit, Ed & My Cozy Bed

What a good day I’ve had. And I think I am going to go to bed early tonight. I taped ED which was on NBC this evening and I am going to watch it and fall asleep. I am cold since I just had a long drive home from my boyfriends house (about a 30 minute drive as there was a bit of traffic due to an accident on the expressway) and I had some stuff to bring in from my car to the house, but brrrrr, is it cold out there. I chilled with my boyfriend a bit this evening, that was nice. We were cuddling and ... well the rest is none of your business!! Hee hee...

I downloaded the newest version of the Palm Pilot Desktop for my boyfriend as he saw it the other day on my computer and wanted it for his. So I did that for him. I don't know why he couldn't do it himself, but I guess he enjoyed watching me get frustrated at the computer and swear at it since it wasn't doing what I wanted it to. Maybe that turns him on... Who knows!!

I am debating on what classes to take next semester.. Different ones are offered each semester and I don't know which ones I want to take next semester, since who knows if they will be offered the semester after that. You follow? Anyhow, I don't know some of the teachers and want to inquire about them first... That is the way to go! I know that for sure I want to take children's literature and newspaper writing so that I can write for the college's newpaper. Under a pen name of course because I have a stalker at school. I will tell you about that another time. Not in the mood to type that story. I will type it out for you tomorrow, how's that? Well I am going to crawl into my cozy warm bed which is awaiting me!

Too Many Appointments To Make

So I went to school and picked up my timetable for next semester. I even found parking right in front and there was leftover money in the meter. So that was lucky. I went and checked to see if my teacher had posted my paper outside her door like she promised, but nope, it's still not there. Oh well, I am going to leave another message on her machine, that's not right of her to not leave my paper for me, like she had promised. Then I went to that appointment with the specialist for my asthma. I have to go for a pulmonary test on January 31st, 2001, no appointments sooner! And I have to go for an allergy test, but the doctor and his nurse weren't there today, so that appointment I have to make. I will call probably tomorrow, or something. I bet I won't be able to make an appointment for that until next year, either. And I have to go back to see this doctor in 6 weeks. Too many doctors and appointments to make! Argh! I hate running around...

So now I am back at my boyfriend's house, and his parents just got home. He's at work. I am going to go look at the tabletime and see how many classes I have to take next semester but don't want to, bleh! Later.

Morning Blues

I really don't want to leave my house, but I have to go down to school and pick up the course timetable book for next semester, what a bummer that is. That means I have to drive all the way downtown... And, I have an apt at 3:10pm with some doctor to see what tests I need for my asthma which is getting worse all the time, I feel it. But I just don't feel like leaving my house. I am so bored. I do nothing these days that school is now out. I am so bored with things. I find that I spend useless time surfing the web for nothing. I don't know, it's weird. I need to work out this winter break. Even if I have to force myself to do it, I am started to get even more depressed over how badly out of shape I am. I am depressed as it is, and I don't know why. I can't pinpoint the reason. And no one is helping me sort that out. I binge on fattening foods all the time now, and there isn't proper food in my house to begin with. I feel as though there is never any food in my house for me to eat, and the food that we do have takes millions of years to whip together, and I am not the best of cooks to begin with, so there is one of my problems.

My dance teacher is supposed to email me my mark before she takes off to Europe and I am very impatient, and I want to know my mark, so that's not helping any. She emailed me and told me that she is 27 hours behind work, and that she hasn't even gotten to the marks yet. Our dance class is her only class at school, and she works elsewhere the rest of her time. She's adorable :)

Anyhow, I've got to go get ready. I technically should leave in about 27 minutes to get going into town. I hope there's not bad traffic. I hate traffic. One of my largest pet peeves. I don't even want to leave my house. I just want to crawl back into bed. Grrr!

ps~ maybe tomorrow will be a brighter day. who knows?!

Tuesday, December 12, 2000

Depressed Is Not The Way To Be...

I have very depressed lately and I don't know what to blame it on. I am binging like mad on junk food and I am gaining weight because of it, I can feel it. I don't know what's causing it, and I want to get to the bottom of this all. That would be nice, once and for all. I don't know if is something that just happens at this time of the year. I remember getting very depressed last year at this time, but then again I was single and all alone. This year I have E, who doesn't really seem to understand. Oh well. Maybe one day he will catch on. I love him to pieces, I just wish men would get this stuff.

Argh... The worst is to leave me alone with my thoughts. That is so dangerous. Never do that!!! I am NOT suicidal, and NEVER will be, because I am afraid of pain. I would NEVER be able to do such a thing, and that's my thoughts and opinion on that... end of story... I don't know what I am going to do with myself this holidays. What is there to do. I don't feel like working extra hours because I dont' want to work anymore than I have to. I need a project to work on, something to keep me busy.

Feeling Good ... School is Over!

My french exam went pretty well. I am impressed with the way I handled myself during the exam. I was not stressed, nor was I doing the test in a rush so I could get out of there. I used to do that. Do an exam really quickly and not think things through. I guess that is why I didnt get good marks in those classes...That was the past, now is the future, and now it's time to move on! I went and got my art literature mark which was posted on the teacher's board right outside her office. It was just our student ID numbers and our marks. They don't post your name on there, and I think that's smart. Anyhow, my mark... is 83% and I am pretty impressed with that mark. While I was hoping I'd get around an 85% I can't complain!

On my way out of school, after my exam, I bumped into this girl I used to work with, Bree and we ended up going to East Side Mario's for lunch. I like that restaurant, it's fun. Anyhow, we had a good lunch, I was totally starving, hadn't eaten all day long, and I think I ate it too fast, because now my tummy aches... bleh! As we were leaving, Bree left her cell number and her email address on a napkin and now we just want to see if our cute waiter will call her or email her!! We'll see. I will keep you posted on that! She told me that she had never done anything as daring and out there as that, and I said there's always a first for everything. Life is definitely too short to avoid opportunities like that one!!

When I got home there was a message waiting on my answering machine from my creative writing teacher. I wasn't going to wait around school for hours to get my manuscript back (Because of the snow storm, I wanted to get home) so I left the teacher a message and he actually called me back in pretty good timing. Anyhow, I got my marks in his class, and they are, 80% on my final manuscript. So with my 80% on my mid-term portfolio and my 86% on my end of term portfolio, my final mark is now... drum roll please.... 84% I am surely doing good this semester! I want to go out this weekend to celebrate. I told E that I want to, and I think I may get my wish! :) Let's see if he uses any romantic energy and takes me out as a surprise :) If not, I know where I want to go...

So an update..
Painting ... 82%
Art Literature ... 83%
Creative Writing ... 84%
Dance ... undecided ... hoping for 85% +
French ... took exam this morning ... hoping for an 80% +
Autobiography ... undecided ... hoping for a 65% +

Now I am at home, just chilling. I need some chill time. I think I am going to pick up a book shortly. Get some reading done!

Snow Storm

So many classes are canceled this morning, and it's not fair that my college never closes. Completely not fair!! I keep listening to the local radio station, but no, 23 cm of snow is not enough to cancel the exam.

I am at E's house right now. My exam starts in 2.5 hours and I am bored out of my mind. I've been up since 5:45 am, and that's when E left to work. I got up to go to the bathroom when he was just finishing up in the bathroom in the morning. I like leaving him little surprises, so I left him 2 last night. One by his toothbrush, so he'd get my note in the morning and another note in his lunch bag, so he'd get it when he took out one of his 3 sandwiches he made for his lunch. So thoughtful, I know :) See, the little things in life do count! After going to the bathroom, I got some water and then went back to bed. I cuddled up under the blankets, bbbrrr was it cold, and I drifted off into sleep for about an hour. After that, I just got up and started to get ready for school. There was no point in chilling in bed any longer...

I have to leave to get to school soon, since it's a mad mess out there on the streets. I hate when there is too much snow. A little snow is ok, but too much? Now, that's ridiculous...

Wish me luck! Exam time..

Monday, December 11, 2000

So Edgy, Don't Know Why...

I hit a little rough spot this evening. I don't know why, but I was feeling very insecure. Anyhow, E came in and held me and reassured me that he loves me and that everything's going to be ok. And now, I can't sleep! I hate it, sometimes I get really bad insomnia. GRRR!

Totally off subject...Here are some books I recommend.

*The G-d Project by John Saul
*Flowers in the Attic by V.C. Andrews
*My Sweet Audrina by V.C. Andrews
*Baby Come Back by Maeve Haran
*She's Come Undone by Wally Lamb
*Where The Heart Is by Billie Letts
*Sis Boom Bah by Jane Heller
*Crystal Clear by Jane Heller
*ChaChaCha by Jane Heller
*Changes by Danielle Steel
*The Gift by Danielle Steel
*Granny Dan by Danielle Steel
*The Long Road Home by Danielle Steel
*Malice by Danielle Steel
*Go Ask Alice by Anonymous
*Summer Sisters by Judy Blume

and that's all for now. More to come later. When I think of them that is!!

Self Day

I went to bed last night at 5 am! I couldn't sleep. I ended up staying up and downloading programs for my palm pilot. Now I have some pretty nifty games on there! So I never have to be bored on the metro, at the doctor's office or in line, ever again! I downloaded some fun stuff like Tetris, and so forth! Some good stuff. I figured I may as well use my time productively and benefit from it :)

Today, boy did I sleep in! I mean, going to bed at 5 am and getting up early? You've got to be kidding me! And when I got up I did laundry and checked the mail! I got a pacakge in the mail from my friend in Texas! I love getting packages! This one had tons of Scooby doo things. I absolutely love scoobydoo. I got scooby doo socks and scooby doo stationery, and this gorgeous organizer, but unfortunately I've got my palm pilot and I like that system, so I am going to stick with my palm. Another other agenda I've gotten from school, never lasts the entire year. I never use them. Don't know why. I guess I am just not an organized person, but that's ok. That's one of my new year's resolutions. Did tons of laundry today. I had like no clothes left. I generally do laundry once a week. That's my usual routine. Clean underwear is always good!

Late afternoon I ended up at my teacher's house for her little party. She was so cute about everything. She supplied us with food, and alcohol (weird, I know) and the few of us that were there, we had a good time. We danced, talked, ate, and I ditched out early to get over to E's house. I didn't want to lie, but I told her I wasn't feeling so well. I didn't really want to stay any longer, I had been there for almost 3.5 hours at that point anyhow, and just wanted to crawl into bed and cuddle with my boy :) So that's just what I did. I gave my teacher the little gift I picked out for her, and that was the end of that! She told me that she needs me to help her out with her computer as soon as she gets back from working Club Med, she teaches art. I think that's awesome! So anyhow, she said she'd even pay me. Hey, sounds like a plan. I don't mind doing extra odd jobs to rake in some extra cash! :)

Now I am at E's, just chilling. I will write more later. I think we are about to eat dinner.

Sunday, December 10, 2000

~Reasons Why I Love You~

Since it’s winter break for me, (almost, plus a French exam) I have plenty of time to do my arts and crafts. I started (and almost finished) the overdue scrapbook that I am making my boyfriend. I will be giving it to him tomorrow, as I am sleeping at his house again :) It’s just more convenient for my exam on Tuesday. Plus, I am going to my teacher’s house tomorrow for her little Party. I have no idea what that’s all about! Anyhow! For my boyfriend’s scrapbook, I wrote him a poem… It’s cheesy, and it rhymes and I suck at poetry, but it’s all good, and he will like it, so it’s all good!

Reasons Why I Love You
You’re fun to be with,
You’re sweet as can be,
You’re cute as a button,
And you love me.
You keep my secrets,
You make me laugh when I am sad,
You are smart and athletic,
You look sexy when you are mad.
You encourage me when I am frustrated,
You help me succeed and move on,
You remembered my birthday,
You know how to shake your bon-bon.
We can talk on the phone for hours on end,
You always give me wake-up calls,
You make me feel loved,
You even took me to Niagara Falls.

So I hope you like my little poem! It’s cheesy as hell I know! I’ve been meaning to finish his scrapbook up for over 2 months now, but school got in the way and came first, unfortunately!! I am presenting it to him tomorrow, along with a little gift. I am getting him, a frame and putting in this gorgeous picture of the two of us.

Anyhow, more later.. Just wanted to share my poem with you!

Saturday, December 09, 2000

Palm V & Beaver Tails

I went to Price Club this morning with my boyfriend and his parents. They've slowly been coming out of the house and doing things (his father had a quadruple bypass and his mother had breast cancer, and they have been recovering wonderfully) and that's good for them! I picked up some VHS tapes because I a) needed new ones and b) I wanted some 8 hour tapes instead of 6 hour ones. Then we went into FutureShop (my boyfriend and I) and we bought an answering machine for my sister, for her birthday. Her birthday is Dec. 19th, and she had her party already in November. She had one of those big blow out parties, as it will be her 16th birthday. Her party was fun. I got some great photos. Anyhow, I am impatient to give it to her. I left it in her room with a note on it, as we got her a card for her party. Didn't want to go completely empty handed. I was going to make her wait until her birthday to give her the answering machine, but since I bought it already, I may as well let her use it, right? I want the Palm Pilot V. I have the Palm Pilot III and without it I would be even more disorganized! Right now my disorganization is pretty bad... Imagine me without it! I can't. Anyhow, the V is way nicer than the III and my III is giving me troubles. Sometimes some of the buttons stick. I don't even know where I could go to get customer service. No idea! I got the Palm as a birthday gift when I turned 18. It was a nice present from my dad.

Went to see my boyfriend's hockey game, and I brought along my camera with my black and white film. I want to finish that roll already. Anyhow, I was taking some pictures and only took a few. But E decided to get stubborn and yell at me from on the ice to put the camera away. He yelled it so rudely I was embarrassed. There were other people in the stands, including E's father, and a few other guys who were playing hockey right after, but that I know, through E. Anyhow, if he would have asked nicely, like, "could you please put away the camera, the flash is distracting the players" then I would have been a happy camper, but that's not the way it happened. It was "PUT AWAY THE CAMERA NOW..." and that pissed me off! So I turned my back to the rink and didn't watch the rest of the game. It's too bad I didn't have my car with me, I would have left, honestly, I was that pissed off. E's dad told me to leave it alone, but whatever... I wanted to be stubborn. After hockey we worked things out, thank goodness. It was good that we got everything out in the open. He was the one who came to me, and told me that he doesn't like to see me upset. That was so reassuring :)

For dinner, we went to Toyo, this Japanese Steak House. That was nice. We went with two of E's friends, this couple that we've been out with before. E's friend Dave is going out with Jody. Anyhow I was searching through my purse for something and took out the things that were on top, one being my Palm Pilot. Jody took out hers, and we swapped (beamed) over programs. We were having a blast. There was this table of jappy girls next to us. The sad thing, is that I know some of them, they go to my school. No one that I would be friends with, though. That's a good thing.

After dinner we went to see the movie Proof of Life. That's the one with Meg Ryan and Russell Crowe. We all enjoyed it. Too many guns and stuff like that, but what can you do! I don't like that sort of thing. Wish it would be eliminated. I had a beaver tail instead of regular popcorn during the movie. I hate popcorn. So boring. I felt the beaver tail going down though. All the fattening shit that's in it!! And all that sugar, mmmm!

Dave is a goofball. He is the type of guy, when drunk, you don't want to know him, yet you want to see the goofy shit he does!! He had this tape in the car that we were listening to, from times when he used to call this radio station that some friends used to work at. He'd call (it's a sports show) and chat with the guys live on the air, in a disguised voice. At first they had no idea who he was, but then they figured him out, and went along with it. Dave had to have like 2 full tapes in his car or something. We were all laughing hysterically. All in all, I had a good time. I love going out on double dates. It makes me feel older and more sophisticated. Don't ask. I don't know! I am starting to get into a really good mood :) I hope it never ends!!!

E invited me to stay with him for a couple of day during the last week of December. I think I am going to do that. His parents may be going to Albany, NY for a couple of days, to get away for a bit. So I want to plan some fun things for E and I do to!

Off to bed, I said.. I have to work tomorrow, Bleh!

Friday, December 08, 2000

Beer & The Nutty Professor

I went to my boyfriend's work's xmas party dinner, with him this evening. It was fun. I had too much beer though, and I am generally not a beer fan. I like more cocktail drinks (sex on the beach, etc...) My boyfriend said since I was not driving and the food was crappy (we were at a Portuguese Restaurant and there wasn't much for me to eat being a vegetarian and all...) that I could have as much beer as I would like. And I held him to that! The guys at the Xmas party, were telling me all evening that I had a hard working boyfriend and that I should keep him! ;) I thought that was cute... :) They were also telling me that I should feed him! Feed him? He may be thin (not skimpy thin, but thin with muscles from his working out in sports!) but when I am with him, whether we be eating out, or staying in, he eats a lot. He will buy a container of cookie dough ice cream, and polish the entire thing off in one sitting. Maybe he doesn't have time or the appetite to eat during work. Who knows. There could be a million different reasons behind his not eating at work. Oh well. Nothing I can do about it, from here. They also told, in French of course, they are mostly all French people, that I should keep him! How adorable that they approve of me :)

Back at E's house we watched the Nutty Professor II, we picked it up at Blockbuster's along with a thing of cookie dough ice cream which he pretty much polished off. That's ok. We were both exhausted, and didn't see the end of the movie. We both fell asleep. I love falling asleep in his arms. That is the best feeling. I love it. It makes me feel safe. Now we're upstairs and I am using the computer in his room. He's passed out in his bed. I had a good day today. A very happy day.

Grandpa's P0rn

Today, I was really not feeling well. I don't know what got into me. I hate being a woman! Especially this time of the month. Grr... and I am sleeping at my boyfriend's house tonight, argh, that time, oh well... Nookie is not the only thing our relationship is based on! Don't worry! There's more to it than that... Nookie is just an added bonus. Plus once you start, you can't stop! Hee hee!

I got my art literature mark on that project I worked on last night. I was in the room when our teacher was marking them, and she asked me what I thought I deserved. Stupid me said Uh, Like a 21 or 22 (on 25 by the way...) I should have said higher! Like 23! Cuz then that would have brought up my mark. Cuz so far, I have {15/20 (I know I could have done better on that assignment, but I was busy with another paper for school and neglected that one! Bad! Bad!); 17/20; 17/20; 5/5; 22/25} So, so far, my mark equals out to... 76% of 90% of my final mark. So she has 10% for participation and classroom etiquette to work with. So hopefully, I will get full marks for that, I believe I am deserving of it, so maybe my mark will end up being an 86%... If I get 8% or 9% so my marks ends up being an 84% or an 85% and my goal was an 85% for that class, so I will be satisfied. Maybe she'll be nice and give me an 85% or 86%. I will find out Tuesday, when she leaves them posted on her door. I am dying to know what my final mark is though. Totally pissing me off! I am so impatient, it's unbelievable...

I got my Creative Writing Portfolio back from my teacher. I went to his office when he so happened to be there. He handed me back my work, and I got a nice 86% on my portfolio. That's an improvement from my mid-term portfolio in which I got an 80% flat. I am very happy with my portfolio mark. Teacher says I've been working better at my imagery and description, and that's where I have improved. Noted! I am just awaiting my final manuscript, which was handed in this morning. He said I can pick it up from his office on Tuesday anytime after 1pm. I am going to hang around the school after my exam because I want my portfolio back, and also, my marks! I am going to leave a message on my teachers machine and see if they will be so kind enough to call me with my mark. I can see if I can persuade my teachers into leaving my marks on my answering machine. That would be nice of them :) I am going to go leave them messages now! Hopefully they will get back to me!

One more thing before I get offline for now! I was over at my dad's parents house for a little while earlier. I figured that since I don't get to see them often, that I would stop by for a visit. Anyhow, my grandmother fed me of course (European Jewish Grandmother) and then my grandfather came home... He wanted me to help him find a game on the Internet he had and lost. It was an easy task. Anyhow, so I decided to go an help him. Guess what ended up happening...? As I was checking my grandfather's database, you know the favorites list... To see if he accidentally saved the link and forgot... I noticed what his other saved sites were... you want to know what? P0RN! Yes, you heard me... P0rn0graphy. EW... SICK! I know!! I didn't say anything, but I did call up my dad afterwards to ask him! What was I supposed to say... do... act? Oy! Anyhow, I don't want to think about that anymore...


My painting class was fun this semester. And extra fun this morning! So my final painting mark is 82%. I am satisfied. I thought I had an 80%. So an extra 2% rocks my boat! We had that breakfast party this morning in that class... The teacher brought us champagne and VODKA! Only 2 of us did shot of Vodka. It was fun. And the other girl, who did Vodka with me, isn't even in my class. She's in my painting teacher's Tuesday class and the teacher invited her to my class.

We started talking and I made a new friend. But she looked very familiar to me. I couldn't place her at first... But she figured it out, we met at a party back in the summer of 1999. A party that my parents had no idea I was at. So, we talked about the people we both knew (she dated a guy that used to work for my dad as a technician {computers} and she is friends with a bunch of other people that I know from work as well. It's such a small world. Our teacher picks her favorites. I am glad that I am one of them... Even though my paintings suck!! That's ok. So my painting teacher invited a select few of us over to her house on Monday for a party. Since I have nothing better to do, I think I am going to go. More alcohol!!! I think I may end up staying at my boyfriends that night, since I have my French exam the next day and I want to sleep in and get a good night's rest. Plus he lives in town, so it will be faster to get to school. We'll see if my parents let me sleep over there. I am sleeping at his house tonight, so I don't see why... plus I am 19, and have been of legal age for over 1.5 yrs now, so I technically have the right to do what I want, but I am driving their car, and live under their roof, so they do have some say :) At least I have some freedom...

I just bumped into my Art Lit teacher (I have her class in 22 minutes) and I showed her my art project that is due. She loves it. I think I am going to get a good mark in her class. I think I should find out today what my final mark is in her class. That will be good. I am expecting a nice 85% + so that's good. Wow, I really did well this semester, thank goodness. I needed that. So here's what I know so far :)

Painting - 82% Final Mark ...and this is what I estimate give or take...
Dance - 85% + (undecided)
Art Lit - 85% + (undecided will know by 2pm for sure :)
French - 80% + (won't know til after exam on Tuesday.)
Creative Writing - 80% + (undecided - handing in manuscript in 10 minutes)
Autobiography - 65% + (undecided)

It took me forever to get a computer today in the labs. I think everyone is cramming to get all their final papers done and stuff. But I finally got a computer and the line up is still long!! I think I am going to finish this up so I can let someone else use the computer. I will write later and let you know how I did in my Art Lit Class :)

That Stressing Question...

Am I where I thought I'd be at this point in my life? I am supposed to be finishing my first semester in University, but I am in College still. Now it's no big deal, but I am three semesters behind. I actually honestly feel that I am not ready for University. I feel that I am in the right place, does that make any sense? I have no idea... Anyhow, I am loving life, things, etc.. Love... I just recently in the past 8 months learned how to love. This is a fucked up question, sorry!

Thursday, December 07, 2000

On My Way To Relaxation...

Well, finally, I am sitting here, and my 2 papers are done (my angela's ashes paper and my creative writing manuscript) and as well, my art project. It's going to feel good tomorrow, handing everything in! Finally!! I can't wait. School, is ALMOST officially over. After tomorrow all I will have to deal with, is that dumb French exam that I have to take on Tuesday. But that I am not studying for. Well, i can't really study for it in the first place. How can you study for something when you don't know what the material is on? French is my second language. I've known French since Kindergarten. So.... all I have to do on my exam is read a text and answer questions. Then apparently I have to write a 100 word composition. How hard can that be? I hope not too hard!!! I need to get a decent mark in French. I need my average to stay up!! :) We find out marks next Friday. Apparently that's when they are going to be posted online. I wonder if I can call the phone grade line any earlier than that... I guess I will have to dig deep and find where I put my timetable book from this past semester. All the dates and times for things like that should be posted in there...

Tomorrow night I am going with my boyfriend to his work Christmas Party/Dinner. Should be fun. I have like 5 outfits I am deciding upon... I don't know what to wear... I am going over to my boyfriend's house after work, so that's the plan... I am also sleeping over 'chez lui' :) Should be fun. He's got cable modem as well, so I should be able to drop some entries online while staying at his house ;) Well I am off to blow dry my hair (yup, that's correct, just got out of a shower ;)

Almost Done...What A Relief!

What a Relief... My creative writing final manuscript has been finished, typed, and put together. It's a good thing that I looked at the guideline for it, because I forgot that I had to include a 400-500 word introduction to my work, add a Table of Contents, but I knew that I had to include my rough draft and as well, make a title page. It was hard writing an introduction to my work. But I got that over with, and I am impressed with my final work. It had to be a creative writing piece over 3,000 words. I came up with a piece called The Ritz. It was fun. Then I finished my Angela's Ashes Paper. Wow, that was a toughie. I love leaving things to last minute. I did get some help from some friends and as well from some people on OD, but it was tough putting it all together. That essay had to be 1,000 words. For both my manuscript and this essay I went over the word minimum, so that's good. Teachers hate it, I think, when you cut off an essay at the bare minimum... In my opinion, that is... It feels so good to have most of my work done. I am not worried about my art project. That I know I can have finished by tomorrow. It was the written work that I was worried about, but now that it is done, Such a relief... A weight taken off my shoulders... AHHHH!! I can relax once again...

Now I am waiting for my Gattuso to be ready... I live on those little soup things... MMMmmm soup with noodles. My fave. I love pasta! And then when I am done eating, I am going to go finish up the art project that I have due tomorrow, that I just started on. I am working with a shoe box that has a lid attached to it. Don't ask. I am kind of turning it into a television set. Sort of. I got this idea out of the book. It's all good. We have to work with the 'story book' idea.

Anyhow, my food smells ready! Smell ya later!

Want to share my dream

I got enough sleep last night, for once. I had a nice 11 hour sleep. I feel asleep just before midnight, for a change too! I haven't done that in a while... I am sitting here typing up my final manuscript. I am generally a fast typist and want to get that over with, but it seems to be taking longer than expected. That's probably because I keep getting distracted. Email, OD, argh... it never ends!

So I had an amazing dream last night. They say that what you dream at night, has something that was part of your day that day. Well, my dream in no way happened yesterday, since my status with my boyfriend is still the same, but I kinda realize what they mean. I think because I got everything off my chest, and everything between us is good again, my dream was just one of those reassuring things. Who knows....

So, my dream... You want to know what happened? Well, in my dream, my boyfriend proposed to me, and I said yes! But, it's still too early in our relationship, and I dont think he'd ask me just yet. Maybe in a year from now. Maybe by our 2 year, if we're still together. But you know what's funny? The fact that we both know that we will be together for a long time. We talk about things that we are going to do or go to see or things like that next year. We have a big bash in January for his friends birthday. We have another friend's wedding in June and another in October '01. He even made sure he wasnt playing hockey on Valentine's Day so that we could do something special together. He's got his great qualities, this boy, just as he has his faults. But I love him to pieces anyhow...ahh!

Hey, remember last weekend I mentioned something about my boyfriend not telling me about his Xmas Work Dinner for tomorrow night? Well he just called me and told me that there has been a small change in plan, and that if I would like to accompany him, he'd be more than delighted. So I am taking him up on his offer and attending with him. :) I like the way things work out for me in my favour, sometimes. Today I am a very happy camper... The only bad thing, is, that I have to go to work tonight, and that's going to be stress, and hell! Must get back to work... AHHH!

School's over tomorrow! YESSS!!

Wednesday, December 06, 2000

Phew...I Just Needed To Hear Those Words...

So my boyfriend and I have spoken. Boy, do I feel so much better now. And gosh, I've written so much today. That's ok. The more writing the better. Right?

Anyhow, wow... I just needed to hear those words from him, "all is ok..." That's all I wanted. Then he proceeded to tell me about his day and what happened at hockey. Just like I wanted. I asked him if he will take into consideration anything that I mentioned in my email, and he said yes, so I am in a good mood now. Feeling all better. As I was sitting there nervously before, NOT twiddling my thumbs, but rather talking to a friend on the phone... he finally called. So, my day is going to end off rather nicely now :) Wishing everyone a good night too.

ps- It's so freaking cold out there. My thermometer on my car was up at -12C today, the lowest it's been yet this winter. I am sure it was a tad colder due to the wind factor that isn't included in the reading, so I am guessing it was probably at about -16C with the wind. BRRRRrrrrrr... makes me want to cuddle up next to a fire with my man :) How does that sound?

All I Have To Do Is Wait...

I sent that email that I shared with you before, to my boyfriend, in the hotmail account I created for our private emails. He has a local provider's email address as well, but that one is shared with his mother through outlook express, even though she has her own identity on there, for our most personal thoughts, we don't want her accidentally stumbling across our emails.

So... I just checked the account to see if he had read the email yet, and it's now in the saved messages folders, so that means he's read it. He called me before, while he was on his way home from hockey to tell me that he was going home, showering, doing a couple of things before calling me. And to remind me that he hadn't forgotten about me. His team even won their hockey game 6-1. He said it was a nice day.

So why the emotional rollercoaster this week? I don't know. I am nervously and anxiously awaiting his call... Don't know what to expect, but I have confidence. I will keep you updated. Don't worry. Today I am in a very writing mood. Weird.

No Luck Matchmaking

So I tried setting my dance teacher up with this guy who has been emailing me through that Jewish dating site. I really need to figure out how to get my ad off of there... There must be a way. My teacher is so cute though. I emailed her his picture, and she's like.. "Thanks for thinking of me, but I am not interested." I hope that doesn't affect my class mark! I was talking to friend, she emailed me while she was completely drunk. Maybe getting drunk is a good idea? Maybe it will help me get out of this miserable state... Argh!

I can't wait to finish all my work once and for all. I've got a bad back ache, and maybe that's due to stress. Stress, stress, go away, come back another day *or don't!!

Got the house to myself tonight. My brother went to the Offspring concert, my sister is at driving lessons and then out with her boyfriend and my mom and dad went to see a movie. See, even them after 21 yrs of being married, are still happily married and in love. I want that. Why can't I have that now? I want to be happy all the time, but I guess that does not exist. I don't want to be on an emotional rollercoaster all the time... hate it!

I took a watermelon bubble bath. MMMmmmm so, relaxing. I love the smell of the stuff. I purchased a large bottle for 1$ at the beginning of last summer when I went down to Cornwall, Ontario with a friend. I have a migraine. I want to get out of the state I am in.

I watched ED. I love that show.

I am going to go lie down. My head is aching....

Under Stress...

Wrote this email to my boyfriend today. Haven't heard from him yet, he's out playing hockey on his youth league. Got a lot off my chest, feel relieved & better.


I'm having a bad week. I know I haven't sent you an email in ages, but since we don’t get to talk as much on the phone anymore, I decided that I would sit here and type you up something. I am sitting here & I'm in between papers. I just finished my creative writing final manuscript, just need to type that up, and all I have left is my Angela’s ashes paper, which is half done. The half done is on paper, but I am going to finish it while typing it, because I cant stand the sight of paper anymore. I just can’t wait for school to be done. I am under stress & I can't wait for that weight to be lifted off my shoulders. I think I have lots of anxiety. That’s what my cousin has led me to believe... but anyhow. As I said before, I'm having a shitty week. Sorry if I am overacting at things. The stress of everything is coming down on me hard. Maybe my life will get back to normal on Friday afternoon once I'm done all my classes. My room's a mess and that's making me feel bleh... I don’t know what I want to do with my life & about school, so that is bringing me down even more. Why is it so hard? I meant what I said before in my message. I feel that we are strong as a couple & that I'm able to share my feelings with you, openly. I don’t know why it is easier to share my feelings written down, than in person. I guess sometimes it's because our lives are so busy that when something (like what I am feeling) that is important to me, I best express it when I take the time to think about it, and write, or type, rather than say it in person or on the phone. This way, by typing, or writing, I can proof read & make sure it comes out right...

What's bothering me right now (& it is not a bad thing, because it is something that can be fixed) is that I feel that you don’t care so much anymore about our plans. You know that I am one who likes to know what's going on. I hate leaving things till last minute, and when you do leave things to last minute you end up doing nothing and bumming around complaining that there is nothing to do. 8 months ago, you did care about what we were doing. I know that it's not 8 months ago & we've changed as people. For the better, over the past 8 months & that we've grown as couple as well. I want my feelings to count, to matter, to get acknowledged. It is said that the rough spot for couples is between 6 months into a relationship until the end of the 9th month... Well, we are in the middle of that. I am confident that we, as a couple, will make it through that, and come out on the other end, still happy & in love. But there are a few things that are bothering me. It's probably minor things to you, but it's things that are important to me. I feel that I have the right to have you meet me half way & in a relationship, you need that compromise.. Now, I know you're not the one to share your feelings. I've gotten used to that. I know that you love me, because you tell me that you do. But, I don't think I've heard you tell me that you love me, in person, except for a few times, ages ago. Yes, you do say "love you" to me on the phone, but I've never even heard you say the complete sentence. "I love you." Love you, just isn’t the same. And hearing it over the phone & hearing it in person, are two different things. Now, I am not expecting to hear it all the time, nor do I want that, but, once in a while? I don't think that is so bad...nor too much to ask for.

Another thing that I want to mention, I like to be kissed, I like to be caressed, I like the whole cuddling thing, and I like the hand holding thing. With the exception of you caring to not get me sick so you didn’t kiss me last night, I have been with you on several occasions where we have not kissed at all, or have not kissed until I have left your house, so it's a kiss goodbye. Kissing is a good thing. It's an intimate thing that we share; that I think is more intimate and more important than anything more than that. Even though you were sick last night, and didn’t want to kiss me to get me sick, why didn't you reach over and hold my hand, or want to cuddle? I felt ignored almost all last night. Also, I like getting a kiss from you when I am over and you've just come home from a long day at work. I would want to come home to the good things in life after a long day at work & get a kiss too, if it was the other way around. So more effort on your behalf with simple things like kisses out of the blue and that stuff would be appreciated. So Surprise Me. That's all I ask.

I feel as though the last conversation we had about all this, a while back, left no impact on you, and so that's why I am saying some of this again, for a second time... We both have wants and we both have needs & this is what I need from you in order to make things work. I don't even think I am being demanding. It's not as if I am some girls I know, demanding for material items from their boyfriends. I know some girls who use their boyfriends. You know I am not like that. I don't think it's bad that I am asking for a little more attention than I am getting right now, and a little bit more support. You are being very supportive by the way. You are the only one sure thing in my life right now. Thanks for being there for me this semester in school. All those wake up calls, all those pushes to stay on track with my classes and work. Especially with autobiography and the struggles I was going through. I don't know if I would have made it without you.

You are the best thing that has happened to me in the longest time. I love you with all my heart, to infinity and beyond. I can't wait to have my first new year's kiss, my first valentine kiss too, and see what the future holds for us. We've been through a lot in the past 8 months, and there have been many good times and many bad times.... I just want to hear those words, from someone's mouth at least if it's not going to be through yours, that everything is going to be ok. Come Friday when school is out, my emotional roller coaster will be finished. I think it's all the pressure of school work (which I should be getting back to in a few minutes) that has me bugging low... Please help me get through the next few days. I thought things would get back to normal once your parents were back at home, recovering, and I am glad that they are getting their health back. With less running around to do, I thought that things would only get better. I think they have only stayed the same, stressed. I miss those mid-day phone calls. I understand that you are busy at work. I really do miss those though. Just thought I would tell you. I miss hearing about how hockey is going, and about your day. I don't share that with me anymore. Like I know something got screwed up with your hockey tournament because your dad mentioned something in passing, but you haven't said a word about it to me, yet. What are you waiting for? I do care about the things that are going on in your life. If there's a reason why you're not sharing things like that with me, please tell me... It's the little things in life that count. It's the little things in life that matter to me. Please make them important to you too. That's all I ask. I take the time to think about you when I am making a decision, & I'd appreciate some thought in your day as well. I know that life is stressed out right now, but if you truly do love me (my whole crazy package & all, the happy times, the emotional times, and now the stressed times) please take the time to consider what I am saying, and try to work with me here. It means a lot to me. I hope I am getting across to you. I love you & don't want to lose what we have over stupidity. But I am in this relationship with you, too, & I hope my feelings matter. I feel better now that I've gotten this all off my chest. I know this was a long email, but I had to say everything that is in here..

Yours, Me

Don't You Just Hate that?

Don't you just hate it when you have a string in a pair of pants or sweatshirt, that retracts back into the waist or neckline? I woke up this morning and my flannel pjamma's no longer had one end to the string that ties at the waist. How am i supposed to get it out?

My dance teacher is such a cutie. She brought her camera to class this morning and was snapping away. I thought she rocked as a teacher and I really enjoyed her class. My asthma couldn't always take it, but it was an easy mark :) She was mentioning this morning that she gives an easy 80% to her students because she feels that some teachers don't know how to give an 80% (which is true) and so I know that I've gotten a great mark in that class, because I barely missed class, I always worked hard and I did all the work, and then some, for her class. We had to keep a journal and do all these weekly assignments. Fun stuff, really! :) At the end of the class she told us she is going to miss us, and she gave us all chocolate. I didn't take any because I hate chocolate! She gave me her email address and told me to email her on Tuesday, if I really want to know my mark bad :) I do, really! I am impatient most of the time.

Then as I was leaving school, I got a free ride home. There was no one in the booth taking the tickets or checking passes, and there was something jammed into the thing that let's you through the barrier, it's hard to explain, but needless to say, I got a free ride. I think that since I purchased tickets this time around, because I don't need the monthly pass this time, it was well deserved... :)

On my way home I stopped at the used book center, and got rid of the pile of 100 magazines that were sitting in my room, that I thought I would need until my last art project. But it turned out that I didn't need them, so the ones that weren't touched (that I collected from friends, family, and neighbours) I brought to the used book center, where they give you a whole .03 cents per magazine you bring them in. (They charge you 3 magazines for 1$ or .40 cents each when you buy them from them). So I got a whole 3$ this morning for the magazines that were clogging up my room and taking a lot of space! It was such a relieve to get rid of them once and for all. I know that I am only going to have to get my neighbours to donate more magazines next semester because I plan to take Collage (another collage class. This semester I took Art Literature Survey, not knowing what I was getting myself into! I just had to take one more class to finalize my schedule and I figured that I would drop it once school started. Well I ended up dropping World Literature and keeping on Art Lit, because it was a new teacher teaching the class, and as well, she was doing Collage. I loved the class. It was so much fun! I could take Art Lit Survey II next semester, because it will be offered, {art lit I was a brand new class this semester} but art lit II is a text book based class, dealing with the history of art. NO THANKS... only if I am desperate for a class and I'd have to take it... will I take it! We'll see what happens and what is offered when I get the course outline next Wednesday.)

Then I went to the library to renew some books that I haven't gotten a chance to read yet, but will over winter break (since I have a nice 7 weeks off from school!!) While I was there I went to the recreoart section downstairs of the civic center and went to see this lady about a job at the fine arts camp for next summer. I am qthinking about whether or not I am going to hand in my CV. I will talk more about that later. I am still deciding.

When I got home there as a message on my answering machine from my creative writing teacher. His message indicated that I can hand in my manuscript on Friday, because really he is giving an extension til Tuesday for those who really need it. I didnt really need it til Tuesday, I just think there is no point in me going to school tomorrow just to hand in one paper! Don't want to burn gas and all since I live like a 30-35 minute drive from the school.

If you haven't yet seen this site, please check it out. You'll understand why I am a vegetarian once you check out this site...

It's really cold out here.. BRRR!~

I watched TLC all afternoon. Gotta love TLC. I watched the makeover stories, dating stories, and a baby story! Gotta love TLC! Those show really make you think. I know that one day, a baby and marriage, that's totally what I want.

I worked on creative writing final manuscript... so stressing!! But at least it's coming along. I've still got my Angela's Ashes paper to finish and my art project. Frigg! Night.

Tuesday, December 05, 2000


I was on the phone with my boyfriend, on his way home from work, I was at his house, and he snapped at me for no apparent reason. I hate when that happens. Don't you? Argh.. he literally bit off my ear. That was totally not fun! And then when he got back to his place, which is where I went straight from school, he was cold, and didn't want to cuddle. He barely said two words to me until like half an hour before I left to go home... If he was in a bad mood, why did I bother staying in the first place? He has been coughing lately, so I have I, but whatever, and he said that to refrain from getting me sick, he wasn't going to kiss me. Awww.. no nookie for me tonight :( On one hand nookie isn't always necessary, but also, if I am not going to get any nookie (that's what we call it, I like that term) then at least let some cuddling action happen... Whatever. It's ok. Hopefully as soon as school lets out and things are less stressed, we'll be back to normal :)

Apparently the roughest times for couples are between 6-8 months of the relationship. And if you are a strong couple then you make it through that. I have faith in the two of us. I am sure, positively sure, that we will make it through :) I am so stressed out right now, it's mad!! ARGH!

This girl that I drive to school in the morning, bumped into this guy that I used to be friends with. I have to explain the entire situation for you to follow. So here it is from the beginning...

I became friends with *A* back in the 7th grade. We met through that Jewish Youth Organization that we were once both a part of. We live in different suburbs of our city, and went to different high schools, and colleges as well. We were best friends for what seemed like the longest time. When I left to Europe on my grad trip from high school back in April of 1998, he gave me his star of david necklace to wear. He gave that to me at the airport, because he had written me a long letter and forgot it, so he wanted me to have something of his to remind me of him. I thought that was a kind gesture. When I got back from Europe he confessed his undying love towards me, but when I told him he was like a brother to me, we lost touch for a while, and he started dating a good friend of mine in Toronto. Then we drifted off into our own little worlds. After a while we became close again. I would hang out with him all the time. Then he started dating this girl that we were both friends with. She was my best girl friend at the time. (*Z*) But then when I started hanging out with them together, they started picking fun at me, at my own expense and I stopped being friends with them both just after the new year (2000). I had totally forgotten about the necklace that he had given me. But after I started dating E! (that's what I will call him) back in March, I remember the necklace and E! drove me over to *A*'s house and I left the necklace in an envelope in his mailbox. I haven't seen the necklace since. *A* got in touch with my answering machine on my birthday this past June and left me message that he has broken up with *Z* (for the 2nd time) and wants to keep in touch with me more. I spoke to him a few times on the phone, and never really made any efforts to become friends with him. He would call me when he and *Z* would get back together, and he wouldn't call me for a while, and then when they would break up, I would be the first person he'd call. I don't see how that is a good friend? Or any kind of friend? I bumped into him once this semester, at school, since apparently he was taking a night course there. I was coming out of school late, and he so happened to be arriving. I haven't bumped into him since, because I haven't left late from school, on purpose, because I don't want to bump into him. He bumped into my friend *MS* on Tuesday and told her that he was mad at me because I neglected to call him on his birthday in November to wish him a good one. Yup, that's right, I didn't call. Didn't want to... I don't want to be friends with the guy. He also gave *MS* the necklace that he has been lugging around in his wallet. Well it's not that heavy, so it wasn't really lugging, but he was hoping that he would bump into me... I don't know why my friend got involved in the first place, I told her next time don't take anything for anyone as messenger. I told her to keep it, and I have not seen it. I left him an ICQ message telling him that *MS* has the necklace and that he can get it back from her the next time he sees her. I think I am probably missing details... but whatever. That is my story. Do you think I did the right thing, by not taking back his necklace? I think I did...

Shit or Get Off The Pot?

My boyfriend is being supportive out of the blue today and a bit yesterday too :) He's been in a good mood lately. He was so cute this morning when he woke me up. He's my alarm clock... I don't get out of bed for the alarm clock. That thing is no use to me. The phone is what waked me up. But you see, you can't just call me once and expect that I will get out of bed... So he calls me in intervals of 15 minutes. The first time to get me conscious, the second time to make sure I am awake and the third time (only if I ask) to make sure I am out of bed. So last night, since I left him an internal bell canada answering message on his machine and asked him to check on me three times, he did and he said to me, "today I have totally fulfilled my boyfriend duties" he said it soo adorably, I want to know what's cooking in that mind of his!!! I am seeing him later on today, so I will see what's cooking :) I've been doing a lot of relationship thinking lately. And as much our relationship has it's faults, it has it's good points too. Every relationship has their faults, and without faults life would be freakin' boring. Don't you agree?

Anyhow, you see i have a plan. if my boyfriend and I are together by our 2 yr (that's march 2002) there better be some future for us, otherwise it's emotionally draining for the both of us, especially since he's 26 and a half years old. And then I want a semi-long engagement because I am still a little young, and I want to get through most of university (that's if I decide to go) and still get married before he's 30.. :) I can see us having a future together, so that's good. Then only thing is discussing this with him. I dont want to yet. Maybe by our one year, 'I will be like, hey, babe, where do you see this relationship going', type thing, because I dont want to be in a relationship that is headed no where. You know? What do you think? Is at the one year point ok to say something?

My boyfriend's sister, when she was just starting to date her now husband, had that conversation with him. Also, she was a lot older than I am now, and it was like if by two years we're not engaged, then we better not continue on this relationship. (It was one of those shit or get off the pot conversations!) Why put energy into something that's going nowhere. I think that was before 6 months into their relationship. You see, if my boyfriend weren't 26, I wouldn't be thinking these thoughts, or would I? I guess anyone in love with someone, would be having these thoughts. Or would they? The things that pop into my mind at the weirdest times, I tell you.

Man, more laundry to go and finish and then I am going to hop into a shower and hit the road to school. I have only my French class today since we're all done my creative writing workshops. My creative writing manuscript is due on Thursday. Our final portfolio was due last Thursday. I want to know how he is going to grade all of that before marks are due next week. That's another reason why I am not sure anymore that I want to be a teacher. I am not good under pressure or stress for a deadline for example! That is bad. Why does deciding have to be so difficult? These years of our lives are supposed to be the best times of our lives, yet, I am confused, lost and yea, well that's it! Confused and lost about life... At least I am not alone. :)

I will write more later after I get home from my boyfriend's house. That sounds like a plan. Don't you think?

Monday, December 04, 2000

I Think I'll Pass

I bumped into this girl I feel really bad for today. I am going to call her *M*. I have known her for a few years through a Jewish Youth Organization. She was always the loser type, and I am not one to judge because of that. Anyhow, this girl, is a pathalogical liar. She lies about the most ridiculous things. Things such as, going to class (we know she hasn't been) and things like hockey tickets or concert tickets that she says she can get her hands on. I have only bumped into her about 3 or 4 times this semester, thank goodness. I don't really like her anymore. She was using me at one point, and I only realized too late that she was using me. (For lifts because I have my license and access to a car.) Anyhow, so I am in the computer labs at school earlier today, and she's in there, and comes up to me. She's the one who spotted me. I felt so bad, and had to talk to her. She's like, yea, I've been looking for you all over, I miss you, you should call me more often. Yea, right. Call her? I don't think so. She's 2 grades younger than me and there is almost a 3 year age difference as well. But I feel so bad for girls like her. She lies to gain friends and when they find out her stories are bullshit, they dump her ass as a friend. She also is a little overweight. Now that doesnt have any affect on me, I don't judge people like that. It's just that, she's never had a boyfriend, everyone knows that, but she lies about it. She has many long distant boyfriends that no one has ever met. She always tells stories about trips to go see these guys, and then the trips never happen. People ditch her because of that. I guess I just wanted to mention that. No particular reason I guess.

I got my marks back on those autobiogaphy papers I handed in. The first one I got a 10/15. I forgot to do something for it, and I am re-handing it in on Wednesday, so I can improve my mark. This is the class/teacher that I am most frustrated with. I think I will be ok. As long as I get a mark that's higher than a 60% or even that on the dot, I will be ok! :) On my second paper that I got back, I got a 17/20 and that's the highest mark I've gotten from her! The highest mark I think I will ever get from her. I think it was because it was a fiction piece that I had to do, that's why my mark was so high. I hate doing essays and so forth, but tell me to write a fictional story, yup, anytime! That assignment, we had to turn a something autobiographical into a fictional story. So I did that. I am happy with that mark. So far in that class my marks are (13.5/20; 12.5/20; 17/20; and 10/15{will be improved}). For a class that I am struggling in, I am pretty impressed with my last marks. I hope my essay on 15 will get a 12 or 13 on 15 at least instead of that nasty 10 (which comes to a 67% anyhow, and it's a pass :) The teacher even added on 2 extra days and our essay is only due on Friday, the final deadline. I think I am going to skip her final class, I don't really want to go, and I have other things to do anyhow, for other classes, so I am going to hand in the paper on Friday when I get to school. I don't know what got into the teacher. She was being so nice... Whatever! Might as well take advantage of that!

I watched Monday night TV this evening (King of Queens, Yes Dear, Everybody Loves Raymond, and Becker - some of them being repeats). I neglected to do homework, oops! Later!

Customs & Expensive Living

This morning, like all mornings, my mom bitched at me to get into the bathroom to get washed up to get my buttox moving to get to school. She also wanted to wake my brother up so he could take his shower before my mom woke my sister up. It's mad when it comes to bathroom time in the morning in my house. Everyone is in need of the bathroom... Even though my mom and dad have their own bathroom, and there is a bathroom downstairs, that one doesnt have a shower and there is not mat or rug in there so if I don't put on socks in the morning, it's freaking cold! :(

Anyhow, so I could technically use the bathroom downstairs for sink purposes, but when I need the fancy mirror work in the "kids" bathroom, that's what we call it in our house, then, I can't go use the downstairs bathroom. Plus all my toileteries are in my cabinet in the "kids" bathroom. Urgh, all these issues would be solved, IF, I didnt live at home or had my own bathroom. But that isn't happening anytime soon, so it's all good. So I guess I will have to live with her bitching..

I bought bus/metro tickets this morning to be able to get to school. Usually my parents buy my bus/metro pass, but I didnt think it was worth it to get the 48$ bus pass when I only have 6 days of classes. I can get 6 tickets for $8.25 and I need 12 tickets to last me... That's $16.50... That was so expensive. Anyhow, my mother made me pay for it since I owe her money... Sneaky way to get me to pay her, don't you think? I can't believe how expensive it is to travel by public transportation these days. It's ridiculous, don't you agree? I don't see why the cost of living has to keep going up each year... There is NO reason for that!

I got my dance teacher's email address. She my teacher for my drama concentration class at school. She's my awesome, single, Jewish (I am too) teacher, who rocks. I am going to set her up with someone. She awesome, and I can't let her live her life alone... The initial reason why she gave me her email address is because she said I could email her on next Tuesday, and find out my mark from in her class. I am not going to be doing any setting up until at least she's handed in my class marks! I don't want any trouble!! Or lose marks on my final mark. I was talking to her this morning, and she told me that she's a fairly giving person. She gives an easy 80%. So that's good on my part. I feel that I deserve a lot better than that, because a) I did not miss a lot of classes, b) I did the assignments that she gave us to my fullest (110%) and also, I worked hard (even with my bad asthma) during her classes, even if it was a fun, easy dance class.

Before I was debating whether to stay in school or not for that creative writing reading session my teacher is holding tonight. But I figured before that I would go home tonight as I do have unfinished work that is due this week (one thing for Wednesday, one thing for Thursday and one thing for Friday) and if I want to see my boyfriend tomorrow night, then I should go home and start on some work... I should stop procrastinating like the rest of the semester and since it's the last week, not leave everything to the night before, and hand things in on time. That would be nice for once... Then next week I can do what I want, because I will be out of school for almost 2 months! I can't wait for that...

I mailed a package to a friend who is teaching sailing for a year in the U.S. Virgin Islands for a year. I miss her so much. I mailed her some Christmas gifts and other things that she has been missing, that I got from hints in her emails. Instant Coffee (the good canadian type...) Tampons, *yes* you read that right! Tampons... Because they only have those cardboard ones in the country she is in, and she will not use them. So I sent her assorted tampons... I sent her stuff like chocolate and so forth... and stuff to make her little room that she occupies down there a little bit more cozy :) Am I a good friend or what???

I am on my 2nd to last 6 hour break ever at school for this semester. If I end up with long 6 hour breaks next semester, someone else may suffer... Oh, I can't take these long, sometimes boring breaks... Tonight's class that I have at 4pm will be totally useless, I just know it. I will keep you informed later on that.

I just met up with my friend from OD!! We met in this chill area at school. She's awesome. We met/met for the first time today, even though, as I mentioned earlier, we had been to a meeting for the literary club thing at school. She's incharge of that or something. Anyhow, it's really cool, because she's a nice person, and I enjoy making new friends. It's always good, right? It's such a small world, because we met on OD and so happen to go to the same school as one another, along with 9,000 other students! So now I have one hour left until my next class. I don't know what to do... Maybe I will go clean out my locker a little bit more, maybe I won't.. Who knows...